Funny Quotes Page 1

Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.
-- Kathy Lette

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
-- Bob Hope

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
-- Gracie Allen

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
-- George Burns
(Just you and me Kid, 1979)

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
-- Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
-- Mike Tyson

I'm affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc or the Bionic Christian.
-- Sir Cliff Richard

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
-- John Mendoza

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
-- Carrie Fisher

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
-- Robert Quillen

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
-- Bill Maher

Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
-- Jay Leno

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
-- Milton Berle

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.
-- Ronald Reagan (During 1980 presidential campaign)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P. J. ORourke

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!
-- Will Rogers

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.
-- Ronald Reagan

We have a lot of kids who don't know what works means. They think work is a four-letter word.
-- Hillary Clinton

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
-- Demetri Martin

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'
-- Craig Kilborn

Today is 'Take our Daughters to Work Day.' This is when girls ages Nine to Fifteen go to work. Or, as it's called at the Nike factory - Thursday.
-- Bill Maher

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
-- Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
-- Slappy White

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
-- Muhammad Ali

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.
-- Les Dawson

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
-- John Barrymore

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
-- Laurence J Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-- Unknown

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-- David Bissonnette

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
-- Robert Orben

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
-- Henry Youngman

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
-- Lily Tomlin

Absence -- that common cure of love.
-- Miguel De

Cervantes
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
-- John Barrymore

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
-- Shelley Winters

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.
-- Burt Reynolds

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
-- Gloria Steinem

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
-- Unknown

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
-- Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
-- Helen Rowland

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
-- Roseanne Barr

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

	age	government	work	love	marriage
	Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman. -- Kathy Lette I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. -- Bob Hope When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. -- Gracie Allen When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile. -- George Burns (Just you and me Kid, 1979) As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... -- Sir Norman Wisdom Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. -- Mike Tyson I'm affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc or the Bionic Christian. -- Sir Cliff Richard You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. -- John Mendoza As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. -- Carrie Fisher As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. -- Robert Quillen	Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo. -- Bill Maher Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet. -- Jay Leno Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign. -- Milton Berle Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his. -- Ronald Reagan (During 1980 presidential campaign) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P. J. ORourke The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back! -- Will Rogers Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it. -- Ronald Reagan	We have a lot of kids who don't know what works means. They think work is a four-letter word. -- Hillary Clinton Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. -- Demetri Martin President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.' -- Craig Kilborn Today is 'Take our Daughters to Work Day.' This is when girls ages Nine to Fifteen go to work. Or, as it's called at the Nike factory - Thursday. -- Bill Maher Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. -- Leslie Nielsen The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. -- Slappy White It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. -- Muhammad Ali	Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it. -- Les Dawson Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. -- John Barrymore It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. -- Laurence J Peter If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? -- Unknown I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. -- David Bissonnette Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! -- Robert Orben I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. -- Henry Youngman If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin Absence -- that common cure of love. -- Miguel De Cervantes Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. -- John Barrymore	Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. -- Shelley Winters When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror. -- Burt Reynolds Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women. -- Gloria Steinem Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? -- Carrie Snow The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead. -- Unknown Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. -- Mickey Rooney Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third. -- Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002) In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. -- Helen Rowland My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. -- Roseanne Barr I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner